Below is a ficticious letter written by a ficticious lawyer to a client in response to his pleas for help in a family matter - Ed.
Dear Ben,
Apparently you fail to understand how the judicial process works in Canada. Firstly, if, during the course of a martial separation, the defendant is accused of any crime, misdemeanour, civil tort or rude behaviour, bad gas or body odours; this AUTOMATICALLY requires that the judiciary must find in favour of the plaintiff. This is particularly true if the accusations are of a heresay nature. This may seem unfair, but the INTERESTS OF THE CHILDREN must be paramount, irregardless of the extent of the damage that the decisions of the court may incur on the defendant and/or the children. Whether that defendant is actually guilty of any of those accusations is merely incidental, and has no bearing on the decisions of the court. Furthermore, those insignificant needs of the defendant such as food, shelter, clothing, transportation and self respect also have no bearing on the decisions of the court. Those things are unneccessary luxuries for the defendant that, if indulged, can interfere with the plaintiff's needs for fast cars, fur coats, weekends Spa visits and European vacations. That is why your (the defendants) expenses are NOT tax deductible and the plaintiffs support payments are not taxable.
YOU MUST ensure that you retain a high priced lawyer indefinitely and always keeps your payments up to date irregardless of whether you have the money or not. Although the lawyer will not be able to do you any actual good (these things are generally decided long before the court convenes), the wheels of justice are lubricated with the incomes of thousands of estranged spouses who must pay with their houses. The path to true enlightenment starts when a person sheds all earthly posessions. What better time to practice meditation & fasting when you have no home or food? In time you may become the next Ghandi! In fact, when the courts are finished crucifying you, then you can join the ranks of the sacred martyrs who now number in the thousands!
So you can see, how this process protects the family, the children and creates a whole new generation of spiritual human beings! Yes suffering is good for the soul, so be grateful & free your self from all earthly posessions. Have a nice day!
I. Cheatham
B.S.Cs
Dewey, Cheatham & Howe
Lawyers & Fellatio Fellows
999 Queen Str.
Bumphuck, Ont.
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